Courage
by Lord Archive
Summary: After the heroes save the day, all the pains and troubles are supposed to go away. That is a fantasy. The pain never ends. Never.


**Courage**

_By Lord Archive_

The concept of Digimon, Digimon Tamers and the characters in this work of fiction belongs to Toei Animation, Akiyoshi Hongo, and Chiaki Konaka.

This is a DARK fict. If you are not depressed or disturbed after reading this, I will have failed in my task.

This fict is rated M for Mature for sexual content, language, and adult themes.

Japanese Name (Family Personal) = English Name (Personal Family)  
Katou Juri = Jeri Katou Matsuda Takato = Takato Matsuki Makino Ruki = Rika Nonaka Lee Jenrya = Henry Wong Shiota Hirokazu = Kazu Shiota Kitagawa Kenta = Kenta Kitagawa Yamaki = Yamaki Ootori Reika = Riley Ootori

* * *

The last time I can remember feeling joy was when Matsuda and the others rescued me from the D-Reaper. Now I try to remember what that felt like, but that memory was but a dream. A tantalizing wisp of an emotion that was now beyond me.

When Guilmon and the other digimon were pulled into the Digital World, I wasn't sad to see them go. I was relieved, maybe even happy. If I ever was truly happy in my life. I had thought that everything was done. That I could close the book on that horrible part of my life. But I was wrong. The book wouldn't close.

At first it was Hypnos subjecting me to every experiment they could possibly think of trying to make sure I was free of the D-Reaper. Sometimes I question if the D-Reaper was kinder. At least it left me clothed and didn't poke and probe every opening on my body. I was placed on display for everyone to look at, even the Tamers, and for many scientists to touch. Some of them tried to be nice about molesting me, but all I was to them was a lab rat. Once they failed to detect any remnant of the D-Reaper, they discarded me. I was sent home with a clean bill of health physically.

When I came home, I found the family room had been converted to be my personal bedroom. Father was avoiding me. Stepmother was ever polite, but kept me away from her son. Matsuda stopped by once, but quickly grew bored of my lack of attention toward him and left.

There was some unspoken agreement between everyone to meet at the park before our first day back at school. Everyone, that was, except Makino, who went to a different school. The boys talked for a bit before leaving and I just followed behind them.

Matsuda and Lee hadn't made it two steps onto school grounds before they were swarmed by various children. Inane and stupid questions and comments followed as they pestered those two like flies on dog shit.

"They're not the only ones to fight the D-Reaper," Shiota muttered.

Kitagawa pushed up his glasses. "Well, they were the front line."

"But if it wasn't for us, they would've died with the D-Reaper," Shiota retorted.

"You mean, if it wasn't for my partner, Marine Angemon," Kitagawa shot back.

"You had digimon too?!" a boy questioned.

"Sure did! I had Andromon!" Shiota lied proudly.

"Who was devolved into Guardromon the entire time," Kitagawa muttered.

The pests who couldn't get near Matsuda or Lee opted to confront Shiota and Kitagawa for information, as if they actually knew anything. One would think from Shiota's showboating that he single handedly saved the world when only I was more useless than he was.

"Juri-chan, where were you? Did you have a digimon too?" Miki questioned.

I looked at my black-haired friend since first grade. There wasn't much to say to her. I gave her my famous vapid smile and replied, "I was in the D-Reaper."

A girl shuddered. "I was too. I was trying to find my stupid dog and got sucked in."

I gazed at her, and for a second tried to remember if I knew her. Oriyama Natsuko, birthday eighth of June, age eleven. Has two siblings. Mother was a housewife. Father was employed by a corporation. I blinked as every conversation I ever had with this girl since I met her in kindergarten came unbidden to me.

Miki's eyes widened at Natsuko with excessive curiosity. "What was it like in there?"

"It was HORRIBLE!" Natsuko hugged herself. "Everything was red. Then I started to... well, delete. I watched as my body started to break apart. Then... I couldn't see anything. My eyes had dissolved. Then... nothing. Next thing I knew I was right where the D-Reaper had gotten me." Her face had become a sickly pale color.

"That's terrible!" Miki commented and then looked over at me. "Was it the same for you, too?"

"I... ah..." What had I done to her?! Bile rose up as my stomach turned at her description.

"I lost my Grandma to the blackouts the D-Reaper caused. She was on oxygen and the battery failed on it," a boy bitterly added. Shun Shinjiro, classroom four-B, probable age: ten.

"My Dad was shot to death by those agent things," another boy spat in anger. Ninamori Hiromi, class five-C, age eleven. Father... Ninamori Sora, Private in Japanese Self Defense Force. Killed in action by multiple energy wounds from D-Reaper Agents.

"That's too bad. I wonder how many people died like that," Miki wondered with cruel innocence.

I knew the answer. At the time of D-Reapers defeat, three-thousand-two-hundred-thirty-seven soldiers and one-hundred-sixteen civilians were killed by the D-Reaper Agents. At least another eight hundred and nineteen people died from blackouts and other calamities caused by the D-Reaper's emergence.

The bile was to the back of my throat now. The D-Reaper told me these things to make me suffer. Every time someone died, the death toll counter it put in my head increased. The higher the number got, the worst I felt and the stronger it had become.

"Juri-chan?" Miki questioned.

I was going to throw up. Bathroom, one-hundred-sixty-seven meters away. First floor cleaning supply room, eighty-nine meters. My head swam with those numbers as my stomach lurched. Covering my mouth, I ran into straight to the supply room.

My breakfast spewed out of my mouth into the mop sink. The taste coming up being a thousand times worse than it was going down.

"Juri?" Matsuda called out.

"I'm all right. Just got a little queasy," I told him with a faked smile. He should've stayed with his adoring fans. Just because he had seen me nude doesn't give him the right to be so formal, either. He should address me by my family name as he had before the D-Reaper.

Matsuda shook his head. "You're not all right. Juri, I heard what they said. None of that was your fault."

"Of course not," I lied to him, just as I had to the psychologist. I was very good at lying.

"You don't have to lie to me," Matsuda retorted. "I know you. I know you're forcing yourself to smile."

I pour as much sugar into my face that I can stomach. "Takato, why would I lie to someone who loves me?" My smile stopped being nearly as forced at the sight of his stunned face. "I know what you said to D-Reaper Agent clone of me. It wanted to show me you suffering not realizing what you were saying would give me hope." Then it kept replaying Mother and Leomon dying in my mind repeatedly while you left me to rot inside that hell for an entire week. If you really knew me, you wouldn't have been fooled by that copy.

"Juri... I... ah..." Matsuda stammered unintelligently.

I gave him a quick peck on the lips with my puke covered lips and then giggled girlishly. "We'd better get to class." That ought to shut him up for a while.

Kissing Matsuda had been a mistake. He became even more of a staved puppy craving attention. He would come over to my house and just sit around with me and do nothing. I'd tell him I never thought of him as more than a friend, but there's no reason to make someone else miserable. Whoever said misery loves company was wrong. I wanted to be alone more than anything.

Life began to follow a rut for a while. Get up, go to school, have Matsuda follow me home like a stray mutt, send him home, eat dinner, and then go to sleep. Then, one day Matsuda didn't follow me home, nor came to see me. He didn't come over the following day either. That got me curios. What got Matsuda's attention off me, and how could I keep him away?

The answer was worse than anything that I could imagine. The gate to the Digital World had reopened. Matsuda and the others went through to bring back their partners, while Hypnos had devised yet more tests to run on me.

After spending several hours naked in a vat of some green chemical with probes inserted into all three main openings of a girl, I was pulled out and told the 'good news' that no D-Reaper anomaly was detected in me. Six hours of dateless men peering at my body, and it was all for absolutely no reason. But that wasn't the worst of it. After getting dressed, I was greeted with the worst possible news.

The digimon had returned.

"Oh, that's wonderful," I replied to Ootori after she told me the news.

Ootori frowned a little. "Sorry, but Leomon wasn't with them. I got to go."

I glared at the two-yen slut as she ran off to get fucked by Yamaki. Of course Leomon wouldn't be with the others, he's dead. No amount of wishful thinking could bring him back.

Why I went to the park, I have no idea. The area around Guilmon's Hideout had been blocked off with men claiming there was a gas leak. I just walked through the barricades and the Hypnos agents posing as police ignored my presence completely. I quickly became acutely aware of various sensors in the area, many of them pointed at me.

A dark red shadow jumped out ahead of me. "JURI!" And I found myself tackled to the ground by Matsuda's pet raptor. His vile tongue tickled my cheek as he licked me, forcing me to laugh.

"Oh, Guilmon! You're back!" I cry out, turning my disgust into false joy. If the dino and his kind never existed, then I wouldn't have been put through hell twice over.

"Come on, Juri! Everyone is here!" Guilmon grabbed my hand and dragged me off to the hideout.

Not everyone. I smiled at them. "Hi, everyone! Welcome back!" I even give a small wave to Impmon. I may have forgiven him, but I have not forgotten the joy on his face as he murdered someone I loved more than anyone else.

They smiled, laughed and joked. I just watched them and acted like I was part of them. I wasn't. I could never be part of them.

I sat in the bath trying to wash away the remainder of that disgusting chemical that I had been placed in. The stuff never fully washed off. It always made me feel dirty. No amount of scrubbing could get me clean. It only made my skin red.

Having unclean men touch me only made the dirt worse. How girls are supposed to feel pleasure from having large objects mercilessly shoved into them, I have no clue. I have only felt pain as they put the cold cylinders into me while they supposedly got information on internal organs.

Shaking my head, I tried to forget about that. But that led to thinking about the digimon. I don't think I've ever seen Makino so happy. Matsuda was dancing on clouds. They were all happy...

But I wasn't happy.

I wouldn't have been happy if Leomon had somehow had come back. I relived his death eighteen-thousand-four-hundred-twenty-two times. I know he's dead. I know he'll never come back. If he had, all that pain would've come back worse than I feel now. I want the pain to end.

Razorblades are like knives. Used to cut away useless things, like Stepmother's leg hair. It's such a simple item, yet so very useful. It can bite into skin so easily, as Stepmother's razor has done to my thumb. How easy would it be to remove the razor to cut away something that was much bigger and even more useless than leg hair? Could it remove the useless thing that was me?

Could it be as simple to free the blade with but pressing my thumbnail under it? To use the cutting tool to hack away my fear that Hypnos was wrong and the D-Reaper still existed in my head? The small red cloud of my blood thinning out in the bath water had summoned foul memories of the D-Reaper in my mind. Damn razor, I needed it free! I needed to be free!

"GAH!" Pain ripped from my lips as my thumb slipped in my failed attempt to remove the blade and my skin was ripped open by the razor. I watched as the crimson liquid oozed from the gash. It did not flow as much as I wanted it to. If the D-Reaper was in my blood, then it should all pour out of me. Even if it wasn't in me, my pain would end if I could be free of all of it.

A knock on the door startled me. Then I panicked hearing my Stepmother's voice question, "Are you all right, Juri-chan?"

"Ah, yeah, Mom. I accidentally knocked your razor onto the ground and cut my thumb picking it up," was the false reply, knowing I had to explain my injury.

The door was flung open and Stepmother immediately knelt at the side of the tub examining my cut. "Oh, dear. How'd you cut it so deep?"

"Grabbed it wrong, I guess." Stepmother was so easy to fool.

Pulled from the bath, Stepmother dragged me to the medicine cabinet and bandaged my wound. That I was completely naked with the door open for my half-brother or any visitor, like Matsuda, could see my soiled body unveiled did not seem to bother the woman. Frankly, it no longer bothered me. Why would another person seeing me nude matter when dozens have already?

* * *

Sixth grade loomed closer, and despite the poor grades most of us had, we were all advanced to the next grade level. The D-Reaper had disrupted learning at the schools and it was either to allow everyone to pass or have half of all students fail. Though the teachers didn't have to tell us that the next school year would be harder for us as it would cover everything we had missed on top of what we were supposed to learn.

After the Tamers returned and Hypnos completed their last set of tests, the remaining three weeks of spring break left me with lots of time to do nothing. Almost everyday Matsuda would come by and drag me to the park to play one game or another. I avoided playing Digi-Battle, and when I did play- I would throw the game. If I started beating Makino on a regular basis, Hypnos would ask questions and I'd be stripped and anally probed again. Best to not let them know that the D-Reaper had messed with the way I thought.

Somehow Matsuda being my boyfriend became universally accepted by everyone, including my parents. I really wished I had never kissed him. Even Ms. Makino commented on Matsuda and me being a cute couple when she stopped by to inform us of Makino's birthday. Unfortunately Matsuda asked if there was going to be a birthday party, which Ms. Makino thought would be a great idea and Stepmother overheard and volunteered me to organize it.

Actually, organizing the party was kind of nice. It gave me excuses to give Matsuda various tasks to do and get him away from me all the time. And the party would've been perfect if Parasimon hadn't decided to crash it. Perfectly dull that was, which would've suited me better. Instead, after the battle, everyone came straight to the party, including Akiyama and Cyber Dramon who had initially gone back to the Digital World after everyone had returned a few weeks ago. They were noisy, rambunctious and entirely too happy.

There was something unusual about the party though. Matsuda hadn't paid as much attention to me as he usually did. His focus was on Makino. Perhaps something transpired between them during the battle. Don't really care about the cause, save it may fan any interest Matsuda had for her and could get him to stop hounding me.

* * *

Butter-knives served no purpose. They could barely cut bread, let alone anything tougher than that, like skin. Steak knives were better, but only marginally so. You'd have to saw into skin with those, which caused too much pain. The large chopping knives were awkward and harder to sneak to a nice private place. What I wanted was a real knife, with a sharp blade that could cut quickly and easily with little pain, yet small enough for me to hold properly and be able to hide.

* * *

School, the bane of all children's existence. Where it was expected to learn many things we would need to know before joining the world of adulthood. That we would all discover the 'wonders' of science, math, literature, history, computers, athletics, home economics, and other classes until we have found our calling in life.

What parents seemed to forget was how schools were also filled with cruel children who would not hesitate to hurt someone if it suited them at the moment. That after teaching hundreds of children, that the students became nothing more than faces that passed through the ever revolving classroom door for the teachers who learned to only care about advancing their students to the next grade level. They started caring less about where we would be in a few years as long as we did well on our tests now. School does nothing more than create factory workers and low-level office workers. Making students ugly red bricks in the wall, and not the brilliant painting hanging on it.

The load of crap that was schoolwork was worse that fourth and fifth grade combined. The teacher droned on about the importance of the Junior High placement exams. How students needed to start preparing for them now. Which was a load of bullshit in itself. Only complete and utter morons failed out of the Junior High exams, and they would still be placed in the lowest ranked junior highs. The only ones who truly needed to be concerned were the poor kids whose parents wanted to send them to one of the 'better' Junior Highs, where admission was limited. Shinjuku Junior High would take in any child with a pulse and had enough brains to put their name on the entrance exam.

The D-Reaper became but a distant memory to many, and those that had remembered used it to annoy Matsuda and the others. The Tamers had been heroes, so why after the D-Reaper battles did they stop going out to save the day? Why hadn't Lee used Terriermon to stop bank robberies? Why hadn't Makino beaten up the mugger that stabbed one kid's mother? How come Matsuda hadn't gone to help the people who had died inside a burning building? Heroes died suddenly or by inches, but they were all human and mortal. And to the clueless brats who wanted their heroes to make the world paradise, reality was a hard pill to swallow.

That, of course, wasn't the only bit of stupidity that went around at school. Sixth grade was when little children were supposed to start thinking of their future. What kind of career would we want to go into, be it doctor, teacher, lawyer, or whatever. That girls had the option of housewife, but househusband just wasn't an option for the boys was one of the biggest pieces of garbage taught. In fact, the school was encouraging girls to think about being a housewife. They tried to make that 'lifestyle' respectable. That girls _should_ rely solely on a guy to support her and whatever babies he forced her to carry. And of course ignored that the guy could die or dump her at some point for another pair of spread legs, leaving the girl with no means to support herself or her children.

When even adults needed get reality slapped into them, kids were especially blind.

"An eighty is good, right?" Ayaka tugged at her blond pigtails.

Miki shrugged. "From hard-ass Kitsune-sensei, that's pretty good."

Ayaka growled. "It IS good, but did Mom think so. Nooooooo!" She plopped onto the ground. "'You need to get into Ayami Academy. Eighty is as good as failing,'" she mocked.

Miki huffed. "I got a sixty-four. And Dad didn't care. He was more interested in knowing if I liked any guys at school."

Ayaka stared at Miki with a blank expression. "If you don't do well now, you can't get into good colleges."

"Simple, I _won't_ be going to college, unless it's by scholarship," Miki retorted bitterly. "Both of my brothers are getting college funds, I'm getting a dowry."

Ayaka was quite for a moment. "That is sooooooo stupid. He expects you to be married once you leave high school?"

"Pretty much," Miki answered shortly.

Ayaka shook her head, and then asked, "What do you think about that, Juri-chan?"

Gee, they noticed I'm here. Simple question, simple answer, "It's all stupid."

Ayaka nodded. "See, you should study with me. If you work hard enough, you can get a scholarship and make something of yourself."

"No, Ayaka-chan, I meant expecting to get married _and_ stressing yourself over school is stupid," I corrected her.

Ayaka had the dumbest look on her face. "HOW can getting a career be stupid?"

"Careers are fine, stressing out by studying for a job you'll have ten years from now is," I explained.

"This words of wisdom from 'Matsuda Juri-san?' Your future may be secured, but ours aren't," Ayaka shot back defensively.

A hollow laugh escaped my lips. "I seriously doubt I'll ever marry Matsuda. The idea of Elementary School sweethearts getting married is merely a fantasy that never happens in reality. His interest in me has already started to move to someone else. In months, maybe a year, I'll be 'just a friend' to him, if I'm even that."

Miki pouted. "You don't have to be so cynical."

"Shit happens in life, there's no point on dwelling on thinking about stopping it, because you can't. All you can do is be prepared for it and accept it." Don't know why I'm explaining this to them, they won't understand.

"Oh, come on. Bad things don't have to happen," Ayaka protested.

"Right," sarcasm dripped from my voice. "And newspaper only list births and charity benefits because there are no deaths or crimes to report. If your parents died in an accident tomorrow, do you know what to do?"

"I suppose you do," Ayaka returned.

"Of course." I nod. "My little brother would be sent to live with my Stepmother's brother, while I would likely be dumped onto the Matsuda or Makino family so Hypnos can keep an eye on me."

Miki blinked. "Hypnos?"

"The United Nations organization the Tamers answer to," I explained.

"Why would they want to watch you?" Ayaka asked in confusion. "You said you didn't have a digimon."

"I don't have one now, but I _did_ have a partner. I went with the Tamers into the Digital World. However, my partner was murdered. The D-Reaper sensed my depression over that and used me as its brain since it was only a simple computer program. It had me design the agents and fueled my depression to empower itself. After Lee and Terriermon defeated the D-Reaper, I was freed from being mentally raped and was promptly subjected to physical rape by Hypnos as they shoved sensors _everywhere_ to scan me for any remnants of the D-Reaper program." Their dumbfounded looks were so funny, I wanted to laugh at them.

"You _can't_ be serious," Ayaka finally said, but was still in shock.

"Black van, eight point two meter over my left shoulder. Tell me where the satellite dish is pointed?" I questioned.

They didn't answer in words, instead they ran away from me. I smiled at that. Finally, I was alone again.

Telling Ayaka and Miki about the D-Reaper wasn't to get rid of a couple of annoying kids who had still hung on to the memory of friendship they once shared with me. That was just an added bonus. What I wanted to know was why the satellite dish was pointed at me. It was obviously not to listen into my conversations. Only Matsuda approached me about what I had said to those girls, and that was because they had gone to him to confirm my story.

One would think that Hypnos would have eavesdropped on my every word, but apparently they felt the danger of the D-Reaper, that may or may not have been hiding somewhere within me, was more dangerous than what I knew. My head was filled with highly classified secrets that the D-Reaper had shared with me. The United Nations would love to know the locations of United States military bases that were making illegal weapons of mass destruction, let alone every other country that it was supposed to govern. These locations were prime targets for the D-Reaper since many of them could have devised potential weapons to fight it.

The funniest thing about all of that was, it seemed Miki at least understood what I had told her. She started to take school more serious. When a teacher noticed the improvement, she replied, "I need to make sure I can take care of myself when I'm older." The teacher praised her comment, even though it was common sense everyone should follow.

Knowledge was also a power. A tool that one could use against others and gave a person's anger a target. When my shoe locker had 'MURDERER' painted in red on it, the information that I had been part of the D-Reaper had been learned by someone who shouldn't have known. There was a long list of people who could've done it. Matsuda grew increasingly frantic as the cruel and sometimes harmful pranks that were played on me increased in severity. He wanted to find the person who was behind it and stop him painfully. But Matsuda was so blind to things that he failed to notice that the kid who had annoyed him the most about being a 'hero' had suddenly stopped bothering him whenever he could.

Initially the pranks Ninamori had played didn't really bother me. I had aided in killing his father. There were times I had tried to walk home alone so he could kill me if he wished. Unfortunately, I was never fully alone with a black van following me almost constantly. But as the pranks continued, Matsuda's attention was once again rooted on me and away from Makino. And that was the worst thing Ninamori could've done to me.

Waking up one morning and finding your panties soaked with blood has to be one of the most disconcerting moments in a girl's life, especially if she had never been given any direct warning that would happen some day.

Many thoughts cascaded through my brain when I stared at my ruined panties. Was I finally going to die? Was this a sign the D-Reaper was being reborn in me? But then others things began to click in my mind. Half-explained comments about why Stepmother bought tampons, joking comments on the 'monthly visitor,' and stains on Stepmother's panties led me to one conclusion- I was having my first period.

Stepmother had the worst timing. She unknowingly stopped a half-dozen times I tried to give myself permanent peace, and now she walked in on me just as I was about to put my blood soaked panties in the clothes hamper.

The woman was aglow with delight explaining how I was entering womanhood. She demonstrated how to use tampons and promised to take me to a store to buy a training bra, which I had never bothered asking for one. That night the family 'celebrated' my coming of age.

After dinner I received the strangest talk. Father sat me down and started talking about how he had failed as a father and wasn't there to help me against the D-Reaper. How he didn't know how to deal with me growing up. Then not only had he explained what sex was, he gave me permission to be with Matsuda.

Why does everyone want to pair me up with Matsuda? I'm a worthless girl who caused one of the greatest tragedies the world had ever known. I shouldn't be alive where I could cause more misery. Just as my body was discarding the failed egg from my uterus, I should have been discarded as well.

That night my hand shook as I took a kitchen knife to my wrist. The blade bit into my wrist with the painful promise of final freedom. A couple drops of blood oozed out of the minor cut. I was ready to press deeper to let more blood out but something held me back. The horrid thought of even if I died, my suffering might not end. Was death the end, or was there a hell waiting for me after this worthless existence?

I finally had a chance to free myself, but fear had prevented me from going through with it. 'To be or not to be. That is the question.' 'To die? To sleep? Perchance to dream? Aye. There's the rub. For in that sleep of death what dreams may come?'

While I was part of D-Reaper's brain, 'Hamlet' was among the useless drivel it shifted through as it tried to understand human nature to better figure out how to destroy humanity. That it was a depressing play about a prince who tried to cope with having his father murdered and his girlfriend being pregnant drove him to suicidal madness was added value as that helped strengthen the D-Reaper. It also gave me the idea to stop everything by choking myself to death.

Was there truly life after death? Or was that just fanciful notion the powerful fed to the peasants to sedate them into complacency? If we're all reincarnated, well hope I have better luck with next life. Then again, being raped and murdered at ten would have been a better life than I've had. And if there was such things as Heaven and Hell, I'm sure I would go to the latter. So, if the afterlife exists, I'll suffer in this world and the next. If it doesn't I'll meet with peace of nothingness. I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't. It was all a matter of much more suffering hell would give me over what this life had already done to me. Would I have to endure the dreams of mother and Leomon dying over and over again in my eternal sleep?

* * *

Matsuda had a way of dragging me to where ever he wanted me to go. He never really understood 'no.' Whatever excuse I'd try to give him, he'd shoot it down. I hadn't particularly wanted to go to his home that day, or any other day, yet I found myself there anyway.

The Matsuda family room was unusually messy with photographs littering the coffee table and floor. "What's this?"

Matsuda sighed. "Mom's getting all sentimental again. She says she wants to organize an album of me growing up."

Pictures were useless to me. My memory was that of a computer. If I wanted to see a moment in the past, I just have to think about it.

"It's kind of odd seeing us so young," Matsuda mentioned, holding up a photo.

Blinking at the image, I snatched it from him. That was me in the picture when I was about five, with Matsuda and another boy. I search my memory for it... yet I come up with nothing? "When was this taken?"

"Don't you remember?" Matsuda asked. "That's when you went with my family to my cousin Kai's house. You went with us since your Dad was on his honeymoon with your stepmother at the time."

My eyes could not leave the photo. My mind called up the past of me pouting about Father ditching me and betraying Mother. Yet when I try to recall how long I remained upset, it seems like it was for the whole two weeks. That was odd for my mind as with most things I could have named how long something happened down to the seconds.

The pictured showed me happily hanging onto the two boys. All memory of having met Kai was missing. Sorting through my other memories, I begin to find other inconsistencies, other holes. That trip with the Matsuda family was the longest blank spot, but somehow I had also forgotten hours, days and even weekends.

Setting down the photograph, I went to my knees and began to sort through the others. I had found more and more images that I could not remember participating in. All of them involved Matsuda. Why couldn't I remember any of these moments?

The answer struck me cold. The D-Reaper must have deleted those memories. But why had it removed the good times I had with Matsuda, but left those with my Father?

Myriad of possible explanations had occurred to me. I had felt hope with hearing Matsuda's words of love that he had told the clone. If I had loved him as well, my hope would've been stronger and possibly damaging to the D-Reaper. By removing my good memories of him, it would've removed my love as well. But without knowing love and happiness, I would not know despair either. The D-Reaper would have to leave some good memories so I could be hurt by the bad ones.

But had I loved Matsuda? Whether it was the love of a friend, brother or lover didn't really seem to matter. It was clear to me now. Matsuda had been more to me before. Why won't the torture end?

"Juri! Are you all right?! Juri!"

Blinking, I found Matsuda's arms wrapped around me, hugging me from behind my right side. I look at him, confusion gripping me like it never had before. "Takato, the D-Reaper... the D-Reaper made me forget all of this." The stack of photographs in my had were four centimeters thick.

Matsuda laughed a little. "Oh, Juri. I hardly remember half of that stuff myself."

At that moment, I almost told him everything about my mind. How it went beyond normal photographic memory. That the D-Reaper had wiped away the love I once held for him, but no longer carried.

"It's okay, Juri. We can always make new memories." Matsuda lips were then upon mine. His hands had moved from holding me, to groping. His firm hands caressed me through my clothes. Then his right hand trailed down my body and slipped underneath my shorts and touched me directly.

I began to feel uncomfortably hot and I began to feel... pleasure. Yes, that was the word, pleasure. But I had never felt such a feeling like that before. Shaking my head, I realized where this was going. "Takato, we shouldn't."

Matsuda pulled his hand from under my clothes and laid me down on the floor. "It's okay. My parents went out for dinner. Remember? They won't be back for an hour at least."

"But, Takato..." And Matsuda had yanked my lower clothes down. Once again I was made bare for him to see. He had not seemed to notice that I did not aid him with the removal of our clothes. Nor had he been bothered by the fact I was still wearing my shirt, but that may have been due to the fact that my breasts had yet to develop.

Making himself naked from the waist down as well, Matsuda fell on top of me. His lips once again captured mine and after a few clumsy attempts, he was now the one cruelly shoving something in me.

There were many differences between Matsuda and the probes Hypnos used. While he was much smaller, it was warmer. Also while the probes didn't move, they at least used lubrication.

I still failed to see how this was supposed to be pleasurable for girls. There were enjoyable aspects to what he was doing, but it didn't feel all that great.

If I tried, I might've gotten Matsuda to understand he was raping me. But why bother? I've been tortured in one form or another for the past two-hundred-sixty-two days, so what he was doing wasn't anything truly different. At least this way I was making someone happy, even if it was for just a moment.

After three minutes, thirty-two seconds, Matsuda grunted and the discomfort I felt eased. I felt no sign of the mythical female orgasm.

Matsuda lifted himself off me, panting hard. "I love you."

"Oh, Takato..." I kissed him. What other response could I have given him? I couldn't return his lie. All he wanted was a girl to have sex with. He couldn't love me now. However, I wouldn't want to hurt him either. I caused pain for too many people already, and telling him that sex was the last thing I had wanted would hurt him.

That was not the last time Matsuda had sex with me, just the first of many. Every time he pulled my panties down and rammed himself in, I almost felt as dirty as when Hypnos ran their tests on me.

That I was Matsuda's lover did not end up being a secret. He bragged about being with me to his friends, and Shiota let the school know. As for our parents, it became clear they knew when Father walked in on Matsuda raping me again, and was only embarrassed.

Despite the changes of dealing with irregular periods and having a boy molest me whenever he could, my life sorted itself out into new ruts. Got up, went to school, dragged off somewhere and raped, arrived home to go to bed, and repeat with judicious use of tampons in case of periods and occasional trips to Hypnos for yet more tests.

* * *

The anniversary of Leomon's death arrived without notice from the others. Not even Impmon seemed to have noticed it had been a full year since he murdered my partner. And how was I going to spend that day? Being striped naked, molested and dumped into a vat of green goo again.

Matsuda frowned as I shed the bathrobe I wore and a group of scientist proceeded to attach sensors to my skin. I only shivered as they shoved the large, cold probes into my lower openings.

"Do we really have to keep doing this?" Matsuda questioned.

"Of course we do," Ootori replied. "I hate having to help with this, but it's necessary."

"Does she really have to be naked though?!" Matsuda demanded.

Ootori sighed. "We've been over this before. We need as accurate of scans as possible. If we miss even the tiniest evidence of the D-Reaper in her, it could mean the end of the world."

"But you've given her clean bill of health already," Matsuda protested.

Ootori shook her head. "Takato, our scanners aren't perfect and the D-Reaper was a cunning program. We can never give her a completely clean bill of health."

Matsuda stared. "You'll be doing this to her for the rest of her life?!"

Ootori nodded with a frown. "And probably any children she has as well."

Matsuda wasn't the only one shocked by that last pronouncement. The breather was shoved into my mouth and I was promptly shoved into the tank.

These test wouldn't even end with me, but continue to any children I might have? If I were to have a daughter, when would they break her virtue? As soon as she was born?

I did not have long to contemplate that. Lights began to flash above the pool. Through the tank's glass I could see Matsuda freaking out and the other scientist staring at him.

* * *

I blink and shake my head clear of the events of the past year. I wish I had given myself eternal peace a long time ago. Then I wouldn't be sitting in Hypnos coming to grips with the latest change in my life.

I am pregnant.

There was a life growing inside of. A life Matsuda had forced into me.

Scientists run around talking about what new tests they want to run on me and my baby. One of them just suggested if there was the slightest hint the baby had been tainted by the D-Reaper, the fetus would be aborted immediately.

Why me? Why? Haven't I suffered enough? I don't want to have a baby! Especially to be born into my world of torture. This is not fair!

Tears well up in my eyes. I should just end my pregnancy now, save the baby from pain. But then I would have to kill again. Kill someone who is part of me. How can I murder someone else after all the deaths I've caused?

"Oh, Juri... I..." Matsuda trails off as he touches my shoulder.

I leap away from him. "Don't touch me! Don't ever fucking touch me again!"

Matsuda stares at me. "But, Juri-"

"Shut up, Matsuda!" my voice screams.

"Juri, I love you! We'll work this out!" Matsuda retorts.

I look down and laugh. "You don't love me. All you wanted to be was a hero who gets to fuck a girl at the end of the day. If it hadn't been for Ninamori's pranks, you'd be trying to play hero for Makino. But no, I was the damsel in distress again, and you took your reward from me by raping me over and over again."

"Wha?" Matsuda's mouth drops.

"You heard right, Matsuda. You RAPED me! REPEATEDLY!" Laughter escapes my lips. "You want to know why? I don't love you. The D-Reaper deemed my feelings for you too strong and deleted them. That's why I couldn't remember the trip to your cousin's or any other happy memories you have."

"Juri-" Matsuda yelps in a high pitch as I knee his nasty seed sack. He falls to his knees clutching his injury.

I lean down and whisper. "What I'm about to do is your fault. Everything you've done since making Guilmon has led me to this."

Fear attempts to grip me as I make my way to my destination, but I cannot afford to be afraid this time. It is time my pain ended and for me to protect the baby in me the only way I know how.

The ceiling to the Central Government Building, which housed Hypnos among other government agencies, is surprisingly easy to access. Then again, I do have relatively high clearance badge that unlocks most of the doors for me. I walk across the helipad and stand at the edge of the building. Looking down, I see the entrance to this secret building of pain. One more step, and I'll finally be free. It'll finally be over, all of it.

"Goodbye."

* * *

"Juri?!"

Fear grips me as it never had before. I had to know, had to find out. Then she hit.

I just barely caught a glimpse of her before my world came to an end. Her body crashing into the ground. The sheer force ripping her skin apart, showering me and everyone nearby in her blood.

This can't be happening. That couldn't have been what she meant. "Oh, gods... Juri... Oh, Juri..." I pick up her caved-in and deformed head, clutching it tightly...

"WWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYY?!"

* * *

Juri's stepmother found a few suicide notes Juri had written in the past year.

I still can't believe that Juri had been going through so much. I knew she wasn't exactly happy, but the D-Reaper had done a number on her. I just thought she was recovering from that. I didn't know Hypnos's tests were hurting her... That I was hurting her.

Juri said I didn't understand her. She was right. I hadn't. Now I do.

I now know what it's like to have all joy sucked from life. To wake up in the morning and curse that you're still alive.

The others don't understand. I slugged Makino when she said Juri was took the coward's way out. She doesn't know how much courage it takes to place a knife to your wrist. It's not easy to do. I know. I've tried.

I will make peace with Juri. Despite what she said at the end, she was wrong. I love her more than anything, always have. And what happened to her wasn't all my fault. Others are responsible as well. The United States military made the D-Reaper computer program, the Monster Makers created the digimon whose existance taught the D-Reaper how to evolve, Hypnos opened the way for the digimon to cross over and then raped her with their tests, and Ninamori wouldn't let her forget.

Once I have brought them to justice for hurting you Juri, I'll have finally proved that I love you. Then I may have the courage to join you.

* * *

Author's Notes:

The Insanity of Suicidal Depression:  
Juri's mindset in this fict is not unique to her. She suffered under Suicidal Depression, where she loved absolutely no one, especially herself. Any words of praise or encouragement are warped into being criticism and rejection. Where 'I love you' becomes 'You should kill yourself.'

'Takato bragging about Juri' and other inconsistencies of characters:  
Remember, the story is told by Juri's point of view, who is sarcastic, disillusioned and suicidally depressed. In all probability, Hirokazu managed to get Takato to confess about sleeping with Juri and it was Hirokazu who informed the school. While Takato never bragged about it, Juri perceives that he had.

Parental Consent:  
1. Japan does NOT have the same value of virginity many other countries do. After a certain age, women are expected to have had prior sexual experiences at marriage- and not just with her soon-to-be husband.  
2. Juri is 'damaged.' Once a prospective suitor learns she was part of the D-Reaper, said suitor is likely to leave her. It would serve Mr. Katou to encourage Juri to develop deep relationships even at an early age in hopes she would become married to someone who already knew of her involvement with the D-Reaper.  
3. Takato, out of love for Juri, jumped into the D-Reaper mass and saved her life. He also still has the power that allowed him to save her. A lot of credit and respect is given to him for that.


End file.
